I can forgive Perel's generalization about women as I appreciate her observation that, It is not that she doesn't want sex. She just doesn't want sex with you."
I came of age in the 1950's, immersed in the miasma of patriarchy, colonialism, zionism, sex negativity, and racism, with no meaningful sex education and lots of insane folklore about sex and how a guy gets it. I still ponder how I was able to extricate myself from it and find wonderful poly partners. One hypothesis that I think is true for myself and my life partner, and a few of our partners, at least, is that we grew up feeling othered and outcast. Our reaction was not to feel cowed, or victimized, or to try to assimilate. We got pissed off. Our response was to question how much of the colonial, patriarchal, capitalist, christofascist, pscychopathocracy worked for us. As it turned out, not much.
I think a lot of people are drawn to the freedom and expansiveness of polyamory, but underestimate how much emotional infrastructure it actually requires. More communication, more accountability, more intentionality, not less.
Interesting thesis. I resonated with the last paragraph: the heavy emotional labor required to pull off polyamory. Having dabbled with non monogamy in the 80s, that was my primary takeaway: great ideal but emotionally exhausting.
Thank you, truly. This is one of the greatest compliments I have ever received. The fact that my words land as a gift means everything to me. Right back at you. 🙏🏽💚
I was polyamorous for years before choosing monogamy, not because polyamory failed me but because I realized I wanted to put that energy into community, friendship, and chosen family. What you’re describing here is exactly why that distinction matters. The patriarchal version was never polyamory. It was just cheating with better branding.
Consent isn’t a feature of ethical non-monogamy. It is the whole architecture. Remove it and what’s left is just the oldest story, a man expanding his access while expecting a woman to contract hers.
Then lemme also say- you have added QUALITY AND depth to my life, and I am truly grateful. Your writings expand my heart and mind and that makes you dear and precious to me, in every lifetime.
Spot on. I’ve been let down by every man I’ve dated who claimed to be polyamorous. They definitely did not possess the emotional depth and introspection necessary to proceed ethically, they just wanted more sex and validation from women.
"True polyamory" is overtaken by men's desire to weaponize it in order to further exploit women. This is not new. They did the same with "free love" in the "Sexual Revolution," which worked out very badly for large numbers of women. Men coerced sex from them using an idealistic rationale; the reality was the same old "use anything you got to get her in bed." For polyamory to work for women, there's a huge hurdle to overcome: male socialization.
B.O.Y. = Burden On You
M.A.N. = Manages All Needs
🕉️🪬🙏🏽🫂🫶🏽🫂🙏🏽🪬🕉️
I love the Venus Flytrap metaphor!
I can forgive Perel's generalization about women as I appreciate her observation that, It is not that she doesn't want sex. She just doesn't want sex with you."
I came of age in the 1950's, immersed in the miasma of patriarchy, colonialism, zionism, sex negativity, and racism, with no meaningful sex education and lots of insane folklore about sex and how a guy gets it. I still ponder how I was able to extricate myself from it and find wonderful poly partners. One hypothesis that I think is true for myself and my life partner, and a few of our partners, at least, is that we grew up feeling othered and outcast. Our reaction was not to feel cowed, or victimized, or to try to assimilate. We got pissed off. Our response was to question how much of the colonial, patriarchal, capitalist, christofascist, pscychopathocracy worked for us. As it turned out, not much.
I think a lot of people are drawn to the freedom and expansiveness of polyamory, but underestimate how much emotional infrastructure it actually requires. More communication, more accountability, more intentionality, not less.
Interesting thesis. I resonated with the last paragraph: the heavy emotional labor required to pull off polyamory. Having dabbled with non monogamy in the 80s, that was my primary takeaway: great ideal but emotionally exhausting.
I had to read this out loud - it was too good!!!
The way I LOVE being alive at the same time you are. Your eloquence is a true gift I am grateful to receive 🙏🏽💚✨️
Thank you, truly. This is one of the greatest compliments I have ever received. The fact that my words land as a gift means everything to me. Right back at you. 🙏🏽💚
so tea
I was polyamorous for years before choosing monogamy, not because polyamory failed me but because I realized I wanted to put that energy into community, friendship, and chosen family. What you’re describing here is exactly why that distinction matters. The patriarchal version was never polyamory. It was just cheating with better branding.
Consent isn’t a feature of ethical non-monogamy. It is the whole architecture. Remove it and what’s left is just the oldest story, a man expanding his access while expecting a woman to contract hers.
Wow, and yes to Lily and Megan for not accepting what they didn’t sign up for. God I wish men were emotionally smarter and sensitive 😓
Then lemme also say- you have added QUALITY AND depth to my life, and I am truly grateful. Your writings expand my heart and mind and that makes you dear and precious to me, in every lifetime.
Spot on. I’ve been let down by every man I’ve dated who claimed to be polyamorous. They definitely did not possess the emotional depth and introspection necessary to proceed ethically, they just wanted more sex and validation from women.
History of philosophy would be useful here.
"True polyamory" is overtaken by men's desire to weaponize it in order to further exploit women. This is not new. They did the same with "free love" in the "Sexual Revolution," which worked out very badly for large numbers of women. Men coerced sex from them using an idealistic rationale; the reality was the same old "use anything you got to get her in bed." For polyamory to work for women, there's a huge hurdle to overcome: male socialization.